SEVEN SECRETS OF SUCCESSFUL FAMILIES

Mary Ann Massey, Ed.D.

VA licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

   Stephen Covey did a great job with his seven secrets series. I decided to take his lead and formulate seven principles that I've found over the years have helped couples and families find joy and comfort with each other. They are simple tounderstand but not easy to embrace, especially when hurt feelings dominate a given moment. Which ones work well in your family?

1.   Family members don't judge each other's motives. Rather, they trust each other's good intentions.

2.   Family members don't blame, devalue, or put down each other's shortcomings. Rather, they know themselves and view others in the family from the lens of compassion.

3.   Family members remember that they do not own each other, that each person acts as he/she sees fit at any given moment in time. No one person's actions are a reflection of the whole family.

4.   Family members praise, affirm, and thank each other for little things. They notice each other's words, behaviors, and attitudes even when no one did anything wrong!

5.   Family members come to believe that perfection is not the norm, that many, many unfortunate things can happen without the family going into crisis, or without making a child of any age feel like his/her very being is an imperfect mess.

6.   Family members don't label each other. They know that labels can sometimes stick for a lifetime and leave scars.

7.   Family members are not afraid of conflict. They accept conflict as normal and learn the art of negotiation to resolve problems.

Secret SECRETS

   I've added some additional behaviors and beliefs that have helped folks connect well with each other. Which ones speak to you the most?

• They establish unique traditions that identify the family (rituals for birthdays, spiritual/religious rituals, holidays, dealing with boo boos, celebrating a success)
  
  
• They learn the art of forgiveness
  
  
• No one's character or set of talents (or lack thereof) is allowed to be ridiculed or belittled - all differences are only that...different.
  
  
• They own up when they are wrong -that includes parents
  
  
• They make time for each other - family vacations are cherished, not endured - no matter what age.
  
  
• They talk to each other at the dinner table where the feeding and being fed metaphor has a powerful dynamic emotionally, spiritually, and relationally
  
  
• They count on each other when tragedy hits one of them or all of them
  
  
• Spiritual nurturing is critical to all of the above. Whether through church, synagogue, or mosque attendance, prayers at bedtime, prayers before meals, and/or by holding hands and lighting candles for our family, country, and world, successful families see themselves as part of a larger community at all times.